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Time:11:16 pm
Ever since my dad left, almost two weeks ago, I just feel a lack of motivation, with the exception of school-related stuff.  Right now, I just feel like sitting here.  I don't even have a reason to keep on typing.  I am only on this fourth sentence because I am already typing.  The first three would have been more to the point than the five that are already here.  I have little motivation to go to sleep right now.  If it wasn't for school tomorrow, then, I would probably sit here all night until I couldn't keep my eyes open and was forced to lay down.  End of rant about nothingness.



School has been a great distraction.  Its already been two weeks and it feels like I can at least think openly about the divorce without even thinking about flinching.  Even during reading a summer reading book about an affair, I didn't flinch once.  I think that It is already being pushed back into my head and locked up forever.  It is easy, but for two weeks out I am not sure how much of a good or bad thing it is.
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Time:12:01 am
After my dad left, he gave me his phone because my old one had broken and I needed a new one.  I was checking out the menus and all, and I come across the folder for pictures taken with the phone. there was only one picture and it was taken on June 14th.  Lets just say that it put a dent in my dads image.  I know it will have no long-term effect,  but it puts his behavior in question while he was still living here.  This is what I know/have discovered:
-He texted Louise at night
-He doesn't have business calls at 8 at night when hes surfing the web.  It's no stretch that he was calling Louise
-I saw him wearing a ring of some kind.  it could either signify divorce or something more romantic and recent that his marriage.
---all of that is at least somewhat understandable considering that his marriage was broken off.  Here is where it becomes well..worse.
-there was just one picture saved on his cellphone.  I don't even want to say what part of him it was of.  Based on that previous sentence, you might know what it was of.


And don't call me nosy.  Its no crime to go exploring the stuff on your new phone.  If I find some stuff that he forgot to delete, then thats on him.  If he knew it could be potentially damaging to him or me, then he should have deleted it.  I shouldn't have to find a picture of his _ on my new phone.  I would ask why it he took the picture in the first place but I will stop myself there.  Sheesh. I shouldn't even had any content to write about tonight on here, but because of his indiscretion I do.
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Time:12:51 am
Current Mood:contentcontent
Hi Everyone!

I haven't posted in so long, and I just wanted to let you guys know what's happening.

I'm done with therapy/counseling/whatever. Barbara, my therapist, told me that she thought I had reached a good place and I have improved the fastest of any of the other people she started out with (I was one of her first, um, can't think of the word, I feel stupid now). So, it was really a while ago, I had my last appointment with her, saying that I could start back up in September if I needed to.

My mom has grown more comfortable talking about awkward topics with us (me and my 12 year old sister, Jessica), and I am more comfortable accepting the topics. There has been no talk of Tricia since I met her months ago, although, I've sneaked a glance at the caller id on my dad's cell when it rings and it says her name. My dad has not mentioned her, nor given any sign that he wants us to meet her again.

Back to talking with my mom, she brought up the "scary thought" of her dating. She has shown no signs of dating yet, although she did tell us that one day she might. She also promised us that she would not introduce us to anyone she thought wouldn't be "around for a while." Although I find the thought slightly scary, I don't think that will be for a long time. Once, while talking to her by myself, she mentioned it's a scary thought for me to start dating also (I'm 15, never had a boyfriend/date yet), although I disagreed with the fact that I'm a teenager and that's what teenagers do. Not the strongest argument, but still.

Although she hasn't been mentioned for a while, while my mom and I were talking, it somehow came around to the topic of Tricia. I told my mom how Jessica is oblivious to everything around her. My mom said Jessica just doesn't let on how much she knows. I've seen my sister, she's oblivious. A few minutes later, my sister had come downstairs and my mom told her about some of the conversation we had just had. Then my mom asked Jessica if she thought Tricia was "more of a friend or more of a girlfriend," even though my dad kept refering to her as his friend. Jessica said more of a friend. I couldn't help myself, I had to say "I told you so," out loud. My mom explained how she thought Tricia was more of a girlfriend, since it seemed unlikely that Tricia was just Dad's friend.

My mom and dad have been really good around each other now, also. The past weekend I went to my grandparents' (Dad's parents) block party and my cousin's (Dad's sister's daughter) birthday party. My mom was invited, and present to both, and my parents were good around each other. After my other cousin and I lost at a balloon toss, and my mom lost with a younger cousin of mine, my dad recounted on how he and my mom had won two years ago, while they were standing down the block from each other. My cousin's birthday party went well also, my dad and my mom being nice to each in each other's presence and not outright avoiding each other.

My dad wants all of us to go in tomorrow. (Go in means for from where we live on Long Island to closer to the city, where he lives at my grandparents again, due to something with his house). Anyways, no clue why he wants all of us to come in, which includes my mom. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow. I hope all of your lives are going good, or at least okay, if they can't be better at the moment. :)
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Time:11:57 pm
Tonight we had dinner at the deluxe and it was great.  For the second half of the dinner It was as if I had completely forgotten about the divorce.  Initially, I saw all of these couples at tables and thought that was my parents at least 15 years ago.  I then looked at them sitting on opposite ends of the table and barley talking.  My mom broke the ice by briefly talking about the coffee shop where my dog has lots of dog friends, which somehow seems immune to the lockdown of almost all subjects of conversation.  After returning home, I could tell that in the time between coming down to watch TV and walking through the door, my mom had started crying or gotten close to it.  After watching my favorite show for 45 minutes, I went upstairs and invited my dad in for one last cuddle.  I never realized how much my dad felt for me.  I always new it in the back of my head, but he never projected it.  I had a few short sobs and had to turn over onto my back because I could hardly breathe, being face down with a stopped up nose.  I just never realized how much he took for granted the simple fact that he was living with me.  I think he cried a tiny bit, but he said that he would cry on the plane tomorrow.  After he left, I could hear my mom crying for a few minutes.  I remember how she excitedly declared that my dad was leaving in two weeks.  I guess it just made her recount the past month and a half.  I just never exposed my feelings.   I may have gotten a lump in my throat when the topic was touched upon, but I held it together and let it pass.  But now, on the last night in the same house as my dad, I let it all out.  No words, just putting my had on his arm and letting the tears soak into his shirt. 


Thats it.  He'll wake me tomorrow at 8 before he leaves for good, but the way I see it, it might as well be done.  Or perhaps tonight was only a prerequisite to the the final send off tommorrow.  At any rate, it doesn't matter.  He'll be flying to Australia and will take with him a big part of me.
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Time:10:30 pm
So much for the 21st.  More like the 18th.  So I am cut short by 3 days.  By the time you read this, I will have 5 days left.  And to make things worse, it will only be a day after my 16th birthday.  So on August 17th, my birthday, I will have 1 day left, have the last dinner together with both of my parents, and be lucky if I break a smile.  It will also be my first birthday on which I didn't get what I wanted.  I have always been satisfied with I got for my birthday.  Now I will have my gift pale in compare to the most desired thing wish I have ever wished for:  Having my parents stay together.  Even one day of mutual love for each other would be enough.  Even one hour for which I could forget the divorce and all that shit.  Hell, I'd even settle for one minute of normalcy.  And if that is my number one wish, then my next best wish would be to skip forward to the school trip to DC, then skip forward to December 26th.  That way the 4 months without seeing my dad would melt into mere days.  But enough about wishes.  The reality is that my birthday will just be a bittersweet dinner.  The last dinner together.  The last night of my pre-divorce life.  The 18th will be the first night in my post-divorce live.  The prefixes 'pre' and 'post' are probably the most definitive separative words.  Pre-divorce vs. post divorce.  Right now the most definitive numbers for me are 15  and 16.  Not because I will change from one to other, but on the night that we eat out I will be 15 and living with my dad, if only for a few more hours.  By the time I am 16 I will probable have 2-3 hours left.  When I was first told about the divorce I hesitated to ask when my dad was leaving.  I got a knot in my throat.  That was soon resolved when I was told that he didn't know when exactly he was leaving.  A day or two ago I was told I had 11 days left.  In the past 2 days, that has turned to 6 days left.  Now as I am writing I got a knot in my throat and almost shed a tear.  It doesn't matter if I knew that he was leaving today when it was still June.  What matters is time leftover.  I will be sure that I will look up at any plane taking off for an hour or two, wondering if he is on it.  I will think:  "there goes the first 15 years of my life".
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Time:12:06 am
My dad leaves on the 21st.  We had dinner tonight at the same place.  I may have misheard him, but my dad said that Louise had not seen me since I was little (ex. 9 years ago, when I had just turned 7).  I was surprised, but not taken aback by this.  She probably had been at some business thing and I just happened to be there briefly with my dad.  I am not even sure of what exactly he said, so that is beside the point.  I didn't want to dwell.  But sure enough, there he was texting her with his unoccupied hand.  He talked how he would drive me to school on his last day here.  I can see it now:  We get there a few minutes early to digest the fact that it will be my last time seeing him until december. I break down and walk into school with a great start, red eyes and sniffling.  Meanwhile I will have to put up a poker face to combat all of the well intentioned "how was your summer" questions and the cheery attitudes.  I would love to be able to say that it was great, and I will say that, but It will all be an act.  It will be clear that something happened, and someone will probably figure out that I am hiding something.    What a lovely, two-faced, deceitful, and regrettable but necessary willful act it will be.  Thats how I think about big events.  I pre-enact them in my head.  But I can't even fathom meeting his 'other person' in December.  He says I will feel strong emotions.  He's damn right I will.  He says I will have to tell them to him to make things easier.  But I won't tell him that I suspected an affair a month after he broke the terrible news to me.  He didn't hide the fact that he had fallen in love with another woman.  He just twisted the wording so that it wouldn't sound so much like an affair.  I was digging through some old school records.  When I was eight I had an IQ test.  It was 117-127.  Did he expect he could slip the "and oh by the way I love someone else and will move in with her soon" past me?  Translation:  I didn't love your mom anymore so I found someone else and singlehandedly started and caused the breakdown of your family.  Ah, the revelations of realized implications and hidden meanings.  What a lovely way to end 24 years of commitment.

11 days and a morning, probably 10 days by the time you read this.


Ex-wife.  What an amusingly harsh and emotionally insignificant word.  I'll have to get used to it.  At least he deserves the title of 'ex-husband'.  He actually did something to earn it.

On a side note:  Does anyone know what A silver ring signifies?  Keep in mind that I have never seen my dad wear any other rings (Not out of failure to recognize what they mean, but he just doesn't wear rings period)
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Time:11:01 pm
i think my parents might be separating / divorcing. after my dad lost my cat, and I was in tears, my mom told me that he doesn't respect anyone in this family. she told me that hes not staying here anymore, and that he doesnt want to be part of this family. hes never really home, and if he is, he stays to himself. he also has been lying to my mom the past couple years about lending a shitload of money to his druggie best friend. i think this is the final straw. im so afraid that its going to happen, my parents have fought alot in the past year or so, and everytime they fight my mom says that either she or him are leaving. i dont know what to make of this. was any of your situations similar. i guess i just need someone whos been in the same situation or something relatively close.
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Time:08:49 pm
Despite the fact that I am facing the last month with my dad, I still feel like I should be feeling worse.  Sure I feel sad and realize the scope of this whole thing when I actually sit down and think about, but on a daily basis there are no affects.  I guess this is because lately my dad has not been home a lot.  I suspect that he was in Australia seeing Louise once or twice before I was told about this whole thing, but he would have been traveling a lot for  business anyway (he spends about  1/2 - 1/4 of his time at our house and not traveling).   After the initial shock, life just seemed to move on briefly.  Sure it is always in the back of my mind, but it is just like he is traveling as he always has been, so I guess I am already halfway there.  I mean really, I was told that my dad didn't love my mom  about a month ago, felt terrible for about 2-3 days, then felt so-so the day before and after he left for Australia (for a week). 

And the whole thing about his 'friend' (he doesn't deny that he loves her, he just doesn't push it in my face)..If you meet someone else around the same time that your marriage collapses (and then make plans to move around the world to live with her), then that is dangerously close to definition of an A.F.F.A.I.R.

Second, this didn't seem like a huge surprise.  My dad was eating almost all of his dinners upstairs in his office, had been sleeping in his office a few days before I was told, and my mom came downstairs after 2 long phone calls looking like she was crying.  In addition, his fathers day present was so forced.  Here's how it went:  I give it to him, he hugs me, and there is a long pause between the 3 of us.  Thats it.  I just saw  all of this coming about 500 feet before it hit me.  I wasn't sure exactly what it was, but I knew it was something.
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Time:09:44 pm
My dad leaves on Wednesday.  He will be gone for 9 or 10 days, travel included.  Because of this him and I had dinner together tonight.  Whenever we stumble upon the divorce (or separation?  whats the difference, they  mean the same thing in my situation) he recognizes and respects my mom's feelings and stress.  As we are waiting for our food, he mentions that this will be a tough week for my mom and he tells me to comfort her when needed, which is great advice and I intend to follow it.  My dad carries his phone everywhere because he manages several IT contracts.  Lately, he has been texting a lot.  In a passive manner, he mentions that Louise wants to know what I am drinking now.  I was initially surprised and maybe even stunned, but I responded by saying 'a coke'.  Then it occurred to me.  All those times in the past week that he had been texting on his phone, I had assumed they were for business.  But then I realized that he would never use something as impersonal as text messaging for business, and it hit me.  He was texting her .  I have no problem with him seeing another woman if the marriage has already collapsed and it is a done deal, but for him to talk about her in anything other than a bland, informative, and limited tone is too much.  You are still living in the same house as your ex-(or soon to ex-) wife and your child, and you SHOULD NOT be referring to the woman that you met around the same time as the marriage fell apart in any remotely personal or familial manner.  On the walk back home, he said he was going to Australia for that week and some to get appliances/furniture, get a job, and see Louise (whom he promptly reminded me was a 'friend').  I don't care if he made one slip-up out of about 5 references to her so far.  When he is living with her and I am in their apartment that is fine.  He will have been living with her for about 4 months, in addition to the fact that I am in THEIR apartment.  But when he is in OUR house he should know better and he has known better every other time.  But in a touchy situation like the one he is in until he leaves here, he respects and and does not touch the shaky stability that HE put our personal life in.  I just can't get it off my mind. 

In times like these I am thankful for the fact that I can blow other people to hell in online multiplayer games.
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Time:12:13 am
Current Mood:pissed offpissed off
I just can't talk to my parents about how I feel about the divorce.  I kind of blame my dad because he initiated it and he is the one that changed.  Not that it is his fault that he changed and just doesn't love my mom anymore, but I am just looking for someone to blame.  I really don't blame him for all intents and purposes.  I just know that I am looking for someone to blame (as a defense mechanism), and he looks great for that.  I do not genuinely believe in all that, but only because I reason myself out of blaming him.  I am trying to make the most out of the time we have left together before he leaves and I will not see him on a daily or even monthly basis.  The flights are booked for my visit with him at Christmas, but it is only for 3 days.  So I won't be able to sleep the entire time because of 16 hours jet lag and just as I am adjusting to Aussie time, I will be put on a 17 hour flight to London.  But I don't think I would be able to sleep anyway, with all the stuff going on in my head, mainly having to deal with a woman that he met around the same time that the marriage fell apart and her 6 year old son.  He will have great restaurants, and have considerable vacations.  I will be able to visit him only 3 times/year, and only in summer will it be for a long enough period of time (in March and December it is only 3 days).  Damn semester schedule.  I may have less exams but I don't give a shit.  had this happened last year then I would have been able to see him at least 4 times a year, and for longer than 3 days each.  Now instead of getting out on the 14th for Christmas I get out on the 20th.  I will be stuck with my mom working full time.  At least she can cook.  I bet that his girlfriend won't be able to cook as well as my mom.  But I am still stuck in a crime ridden city (a 1/230 chance of being a victim of a crime).  Hell, an accident occurs at our intersection every 6 months, and there was a homicide at a mini-mart 1 block away.  I still have a bunch of essays to do for IU from fucking 9th grade.  DAMN CORRESPONDENCE PROGRAM THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR SHIT.  No feedback on essays that i spent an hour on.  I don't care if you have 150+ students Daniel Bopp, you should still be able to put some red ink on my essays.  And what's up with all the damn paragraphs? You don't think I know how to write a paragraph?  Well here's a little something for you: I learned how to in 6th grade.  Sure, they weren't very polished but it was there and that's what count at that level.  And one more thing.  Without any effort put into your essay assignments I have never once gotten below a 90 on an essay.  I aced an essay on a test, and i have gotten as high as a 94 and as low as a 90.  And oh yeah, I could've gone into AP language and composition next year.  I don't care if you ended/are ending it on good terms, but you are still moving to fucking Australia with someone else and a step son.  You will even still be able bond with him because he is only 6.  What the hell am I left with?  I'll tell you.  A relatively high strung mother, a dog that will be alone in the afternoons, a so-so family life, a house without gutters, a mom who has the first and final word in everything of importance, and a gaping whole in my life.  THANKS A-FUCKING-LOT.

That was the best 696 words that I ever wrote in my life.  FYI I am giving my laptop the finger right now because I am so pissed off.

Sorry if I rambled a bit, but I just had to get that out.  And I won't apologize for cursing.  I am ticked off and I think I am entitled to let it out.
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